Seven Traits of Donald Trump Socks
It's no fun being President of the United States, with all the meetings, briefings, conferences, speeches, travel, campaigning for yourself and others, ribbon cuttings, negotiations, trade agreements, barrier-building, social media speculating, infighting, backstabbing and innuendo-grabbing headlines to deal with. Somewhere in there, work actually has to get done.
Our 45th president is a marvel of multitasking; flying to and from golf courses while pontificating online and never letting various dictators and downtrodden countries forget that he's the best, strongest and most smart person in charge, ever. And with a little more free time, perhaps on one of those frequent flights between Washington and Mar-a-Lago, Mr. Trump could pull out a sketch pad and add another item of high-fashion clothing to the family's current line of goods, including menswear, golf club covers, hats, bottled water, meat, books, and daughter Ivanka's clothing, jewelry and shoe collection.
Let's go with socks. A fine idea, given the current countrywide cold snap. Something warm and fuzzy for your feet, and a reminder every time you take off your shoes or stub your toe that the man elected to this nation's highest office has a genuine feeling for feet. His idea give giddyup to your gait and feeds your hunger for fashion until it's bigger than his comb out.
If Donald Trump designed socks, here are seven things you'd need to know about them:
The color: Sock color matters to the well-dressed individual; it's about how your socks style your outfit, not how they stand out from it. Orange would be the most likely color, in a shade to match his hair. But red is a possibility as well, given his penchant for the power color in his ties. And it's good to go with just one or two accessory colors in an outfit. After all, there's no sense in overwhelming the senses; you want your personality to stand out, not the clothes themselves.
They have their own Twitter account: Socks should be subtle, speaking for their wearer in unspoken accents of creativity and class; if socks had a Twitter account, they would post politely but always make a point without shouting or swearing. Mr. Trump loves Twitter, and even his most ardent supporters wish he would lose/forget his login and password occasionally. He is proud of his Twitter rants statements, and would never share his account. Therefore your Trumpsocks come with their own account, #OnlyICanFeelYourFeet.
The graphic designs: Like color, sock designs say something about the feet they feature: bold patterns say "I'm a risk taker and world changer" while simple graphics say ""I'm laid back but still busy getting things done in the background." As for Trumpsock graphhics: Himself of course, in full frontal view, wearing your choice of suit and tie, golf togs or perhaps the image of him in those tighty-whities porn star Stephanie Clifford (aka Stormy Daniels) claims he was wearing when he chased her around a hotel room bed during a 2006 tryst. Other designs include the family jewels: Ivanka and son-in-law Jared making their mark and some side money with their perfectly stitched facial features; daughter Tiffany sporting sunglasses and a bikini, sitting poolside and snapping a selfie and of course, FLOTUS Melania, looking staid and serious as she wraps around your ankles, a face that reminds you how tough it must be to live like a pair of socks: dependable and decorative but never the star of the most mocked show on earth.
Besides pictures...Trump's greatest pronouncements: Why not stock sock sayings? You never know wen you might be at a loss for words at a meeting, look down and be inspired! You can order your socks with Trumpisms printed on them, though you may need multiple pairs of socks for some of his longer statements. The short and sweet ones, such as "You're disgusting," which was spoken to a female attorney during a court case after she requested a break to pump breast milk in order to feed her three-month-old child, Or "Thanks, sweetie, that's nice," said to a 9/11 female survivor, will fit nicely on a single pair of socks. Others, such as "I think I am actually humble", "The beauty of me is that I'm very rich" and "When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything" may require smaller print, longer socks or a matching tie to contain all the magic of those missives. And of course, there's the famous #MAGA (Make America Great Again), a statement guaranteed to make you think "Mah Gawd!" every time you pull your Trumpsocks out of the laundry hamper, sniff them and wonder, "Do these really smell as bad a week-old covfefe?"
The price: Protecting your most precious set of digits down under (the rest of you) is worth the money; well-made, tightly-woven socks of the best materials won't shrink, sag or develop thin spots or holes the way cheap socks do. And Trumpsocks have to be a bit on the expensive side, otherwise everyone could wear them, and where's the country club cachet in that? Mar-a-Lago and other Trump Properties employees on H-2B work visas, recent immigrants fleeing poverty, war and drug cartel slayings, his fellow Palm Beachers wearing Birkenstock sandals that require foot covering in temperatures below 70 degrees, Dreamers and ordinary people could strut the streets and pound the pavement, announcing their relationship to the president through their footwear. This is unconscionable and provides insufficient funds for the family enterprises to boot (or to shoe). So peel off some bills! Load up on lucre! Haul out the cash, checks and credit cards! Your purchase helps support Trumps Inc. in their continued quest to Make (their) America Great Again!
Where you buy them: Whether you need one pair or a pair every month, we have the finest, most fun socks you'll find at our website, but the best source is Trump's own website and in the retail shops on his golf club and resort properties. You'll pay full retail price, but it's the thrill of being in the very places he might walk, Tweet or smack a Secret Service agent with a five-iron, and that makes it worth the cost. You can also buy them on Amazon, even though the president and Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos aren't exactly besties. Bezos owns The Washington Post, and while the president is not a fan of mainstream media, he is a fan of funding his bank account,so Trumpsocks sold on Amazon are just fine.
The packaging: We think even sock packages should be surprising and fun; forget the plastic boxes that practically require an electric saw to open. As for Trumpsocks, those arrive in a tiny little golf bag, of course. The president has spent over one-third of his time in office traveling to or from or staying at his golf club properties, so it is only fitting that your Trumpsocks arrive in a fine miniature golf bag, toted by a very small Secret Service agent. And there's a bonus if you buy a box of Trumpsocks: with a dozen pairs, you get a remote controlled replica Air Force One of your very own, complete with a Federal Aviation Administration rulebook, plus the application to register as a "modeler" in case your aircraft it is lost or stolen. The "modeler" is distinct from a model, who garners attention of a very different kind from the First Designer.
